Thursday, December 31, 2009

A Chapter Closes

Just before 4:00 PM on Wednesday, December 30, I walked out of my therapist's office for the last time. That's right -- my eating disorder treatment has officially come to an end. And I find that conflicted emotions are wrestling within me over the matter.

Let me be clear -- I am happy to be finished, to no longer depend on expensive therapy sessions that our insurance refuses to be straight forward about covering. I am happy to have an extra hour to add to my week (for hooping! for writing! for dog walking!). I am happy that my therapist and both agree that I have come to the point where I am ready to walk forward without her weekly advice, non-judgmental listening, and encouragement.

But that is the downside. I am going to live -- without my therapist. And I am going to miss her greatly. I didn't always like what she had to say, and she challenged me in ways no one ever has. Even though it may not have felt comfortable at the time, I am forever grateful. I praise God that He put her in my life, that, miraculously, I found my way to her door when all I wanted was to be dead.

Because of her help, I live, and I want to live. I eat, and I enjoy eating. I feel, and I am no longer afraid of feeling.

Life is so strange. More than two years ago, I would have given a lot to not have to visit my therapist (then, it was twice a week). Now, as I write this blog post, I cannot stop the tears from falling. Tears of gratitude, of joy at what I have accomplished through God's grace and through my therapist's support, but also tears of sadness. For nearly three years, I have spent significant, rich time with this woman, and I have shared the most intimate parts of myself and my life with her. I came to trust her, to enjoy our visits, and eventually to love her. I'll write it again -- I will miss her more than words can say.

In the past, I might turned to emotional eating to try to deal with my current overwhelming emotions, or perhaps to food restricting and over-exercise. Yesterday, when I returned home from that final meeting with my amazing therapist, I turned to the hoop. Because of knowing and working with my therapist, I have transformed from this:

. . . into this:

Just after I finished writing this, our chihuahua, Lio, came and washed my face of tears. God is good, my friends! God is good, and life is good. Here's to a new year and new decade!


  1. oh beth! this is a wonderful post, so heartfelt. i can just feel your emotion, and even though there is sadness, the emotion is so positive! im so happy for you to be FEELING this much emotion and love for people in your are such an inspiration. and anytime you need non-judgmental listening, and a facebook, email, or blog comment away. and im free, no insurance required! :)

  2. Keep going. I'll be right there alongside of you. I too understand loving one's therapist. The woman who is helping me cope with postpartum depression has been a godsend. I will be sad the day we have our last session.

  3. Wow...speechless. I am amazed at your courage, strength, and perseverance, Beth. God has truly done the miraculous in your life! Thank you for sharing your story. From one former captive to another, I thank God that He is able to completely set free those who cry out to Him for help. I am sure that God will give you many more opportunities to share this freedom with those who are bound. Love you, Sista! Heidi E.

  4. wow, this is amazing.

  5. I can SO relate to this post!! I saw my nutritionist for a little over three years! I started seeing her mainly due to Celiac disease, but she was also a Christian and we ended up focusing more on my ED and getting my weight up. I stopped seeing her this past summer and I had very mixed emotions. I still miss her, but am happy to say that I am at a decent weight. I think it's great that you have improved enough to stand on your own! I also know there will still be challenging days. Feel free to e-mail me if you want:) My e-mail is on my sidebar of my blog.

  6. Hi!I just found your blog today and have since added it to my reader and I've been creeping it for about an hour(snoop-bloogy blawg style). My first "category" to check out was eating disorder and I just have to stop here and say that this was truly, truly moving. One year later, ironically, I am happy if you look back and remember this day! I have never seen hoop dancing before (I was going to hit up that category next) but I guess I have now and that is the most gorgeous thing, girl. You have such grace and wow. OK. Moving on. I can't wait to read more of your posts....I need all the help I can get. ~Missy

  7. Beth @ To the FullesJanuary 6, 2011 at 10:12 AM

    Missy, thank you thank you thank you for your kind words! And welcome! :)


"I am glad you are here with me."
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King