Sunday, January 8, 2012

Moving Toward Hope

"I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden wealth of secret places, so that you may know that it is I, the LORD, the God of Israel, who calls you by your name."

~ Isaiah 45:3

This weekend has been filled with hope.  I feel . . . relieved, though I am trying not to stake too much on this feeling.  It is likely just a break in the grief.

Still.  Since Eve died, I have woken up every morning with the feeling that she was inhabiting my night, no matter what I actually dreamed about.  The past two days, I woke up ready for God.

I wrote to a friend yesterday that perhaps I am now ready for my life to be about life, not about death.  Not about my daughter's death.

Is that awful to say?  It sounds like I am saying that I'm eager to forget my Eve, to erase the pain of grief and her memory along with it.

That is not what I mean at all.

What I mean is this -- I tend to center my life around causes.  Around issues.  Like eating disorders.  Like body image.  I always want my life to be all about this one issue.  To promote awareness of this one thing, and healing in that area.  I think that I am an activist at heart.


And now, I have the opportunity to have my life be about stillbirth.  About death.  I could easily throw myself into this activism and never look back.

And, perhaps, never move on.  Never fully heal.

So, when I wrote that to my friend, what I meant to say was that I am ready to leave the causes behind.  To not do so much as be -- be God's.  Be still.  Be loved, and be loving as a result.

We are all going to point to something, I think.  Every life says something..

I don't want my life to point toward death, to pain.  I want it to point toward life -- or really, toward Life.

These have been the first consecutive days where I feel able to throw myself on God.  Where I can look at what I used to believe and say -- Yes, that is still true, even after all this.  Now that the emotion of deepest grief has broken, at least for the moment, I see that God is still God, still trustworthy, still good, still the firmest bedrock.  That He does indeed offer Life and hope, even -- or perhaps especially -- when horror is all around.

I feel able to stake my life on hope again.



  1. This is a beautiful testament, Beth. Thank you for allowing us to walk with you on your journey. The daily treks through whatever comes your way. Sending love.

  2. I'm so happy to read this, Beth. You are so deserving of everything life has to offer. Hooray for hope! :-)

  3. Beth, every time i read one of your blogs you blow me away. you are so amazing, and insightful, and open, and beautiful. Your words hit right on the spot, even if we haven't had the same experiences. They make it so real to others, that in it's self is a gift. If only all of us could throw ourselves on God the way he wants and invites us to. Love to you friend, kim sauerbier

  4. This is the beginning of the road out of darkness.

  5. Beth, I hurt through your last few posts, and now I feel your hope emerging again. The grief will resurface - perhaps it already has - but you can weather the storm, just as you have been doing. By clinging to the only Anchor that holds.

    Much love, my sister.

  6. So good to read these thoughts, Beth. Being joyful, and content, and at peace doesn't mean you love Eve less. In fact, I think you are honoring her memory by turning this corner. All little children delight in their mama's happiness. Eve wouldn't want you to stay stuck in a pit of grief and anger. No, indeed. She would've loved your smile and your joyful free spirit. I'm glad you are open to sharing it with us again.

  7. You have so many great talents, you are truly apart of putting beauty back into this world! It means more than you know that you have brought encouragement into my life even in the midst of your pain. You truly are a vessel to his amazingly shining light. Your honesty and vulnerability is the most rarest and beautiful gift.

  8. So I'm thinking... God allows each of us to go through different journeys of challenge, trial, growth, hope. Mine are not yours, but your words encourage me where I'm at anyways. Cool, huh? So, thanks so much for sharing. And I'm so, so glad that you're starting to see and feel God's goodness again!

  9. Thanks so much, sweet Kari. I hope that you're feeling a bit better today. <3

  10. It IS cool! I'm grateful for that, and for Him. <3


"I am glad you are here with me."
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King