Thursday, January 5, 2012

Where is the Meaning?


I am struggling with living.  Not because I would ever contemplate doing something drastic, life-ending, but because I am tired.  Because I just don't know what the point of this life is.  Everything seems so trivial.

For example -- yesterday, I shaved my legs as I showered.  And as I was shaving, I wondered -- why?  Why am I doing this?  If I am more than a body, if my self is spirit, is eternal, then who's leg is it?  And if it's not my leg, why bother shaving it?

And again, while I was washing the dishes.  Why?  It seems laughable to do this inane thing.

A more serious example -- why pray?  Why pray about more material needs at all, like for a job or for health or even dreams?  Because I prayed for my pregnancy, prayed for ten uncomplicated months, that my daughter would be born healthy, and that didn't happen.  She died.  So why pray for anything other than the state of my heart?  Because nothing else seems to matter.

What is the point?  Where is the meaning?

I don't expect an answer.  I know that really this life is all about relationship -- with God, with each other, and perhaps even with our own selves.  And I believe that relationship truly is the most precious, most important thing that we are created for.  But if that's where the meaning lies, then why all the other things?

I know that this is not a new question.  People have been asking it since the beginning, I'm sure.  But it's new to me.  So I will write, tap my wondering pain into text, gift my tears to the One who knows, and wait, in hope.

"Take my hand, and lead me to salvation.
Take my love, for love is everlasting.
And remember the truth that once was spoken --
To love another person is to see the face of God!"

~ Les Miserables: The Musical


  1. [...] a heart that had so recently been opened by God’s healing is now broken and bloody.  Where prayer is a joke and God feels far away.  Where my days are exercises in fear and panic and [...]

  2. I don't have much to offer because I worry that my responses as an agnostic will sully your thoughts somehow...but I just wanted to say that I'm here & reading your thoughts and posts, sending good thoughts to you & your partner.

  3. Thank you Allison. *hugs*

  4. Your wonderings at this horrible grief are always beautiful. You are so right- all the little things seems so frivolous. I hope and pray you find the hope your heart craves.


  5. Thanks so much, Franchesca. Although I hate that our babies are dead, I'm really glad that I've come to know you through it. I wish I could meet you and hug you in "real life"! Thank you for your love and encouragement.


"I am glad you are here with me."
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King