Saturday, January 21, 2012

Too Small

Last night I opened Eve's memory boxes.  I hadn't looked inside them since packing the casts of her hands and feet away.  But I thought that her due date was a good occasion to take them back out again, so I did.

As I unwrapped each cast, horror rocked me all over again.

Her hands, her feet - they were so small.

How could I have forgotten already?

The photos, they make her hands and feet look big, look normal-sized.  But they were not, and she was not.  She only weighed three pounds and three ounces.  Her hands were less than two inches from wrist to fingertip, and her feet less than three inches long.

She was too small.  Too small, too early, and too dead.

Even though it hurt that I had forgotten so quickly, I sat with the casts, clumsy reminders of the strength and life that was in her.  I sat, cradling the tiny replicas of the hands and feet my daughter once moved within me, and wept.

Baby girl, I miss you so much.

"Sorrow is better than laughter,
for sadness has a refining influence on us."

~ Ecclesiastes 7:3


  1. I'm so sorry for your loss. I have known/been part of several families who lost a baby to stillbirth, premature birth, and deformity. Those children who are lost before they are hardly known, are such precious gifts. They change things in ways that are heartbreaking and beautiful. I have siblings who say they don't believe in God, but will talk to Susan, our baby sister who died hours before birth. My mom has often said about her that she was the one child she needed who never needed her back. I know that Eve loves you so much, even from heaven. She must be very proud of how you've held onto God and walked through this terrible time. Thank you so much for sharing. Much love in Christ, Rebecca

  2. you are so sweet to write this, Rebecca. thank you. I hope I can make my Eve proud. I love and miss her so very much, and you're right -- she is the most precious gift. xoxo

  3. Freedom, Truth and BreadFebruary 1, 2012 at 7:26 AM

    Oh, these are too precious for words!

    You keep track of all my sorrows.
    You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
    You have recorded each one in your book.
    Psalm 56:8


"I am glad you are here with me."
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King