Life Lately {BABY Edition!}

So this happened:

Our new little guy, Eamon (pronounced AY-mon), arrived in May after a whirlwind two hour (!!) drug-free (!!!!) labor, weighing 9 lbs 2 oz (!!!!!).  And . . . he's perfect.  Just like every baby, of course, except more so for us because he's ours.

It's strange for me to remember that until my mid-pregnancy ultrasound I thought that he was a girl.  It was hard for me to wrap my head around his boy-ness at first, especially having lost a girl in my first pregnancy. I was so happy for a healthy little guy, but simultaneously grieving the daughter who died and the future daughter I'd hoped to raise but now never would, because we don't plan to try for any more children.  I felt quite guilty about the whole thing.

But now that he's here . . . all I can think is: Of course.  Of course it was him.  It was always him, always going to be him in our family, from the beginning of time.  And I'm so glad.  I wouldn't trade him for anything.  

And I have to say -- and I hope that this isn't too superficial of me -- that I adore having a baby who has dark, curly hair like his mama.  Of course, I also adore that our oldest son, Jacob, is an angelically-colored blonde-haired, blue-eyed bundle of sass.  But to have a baby that look like me?  Especially after the other baby we had that looked more like me died?  It's really precious to me.  When he yawns, he looks exactly like I did when I was a newborn.  I think that's cool.

And speaking of our older dude . . . Jacob is just in. love. with his little brother.  I wasn't prepared for that.  Instead, I'd braced myself for jealousy and requests that Eamon kindly diminish back into my uterus.  But nope.  Jacob loves him!  "He's cute!" he says of his younger brother.  "He knows me!"  And best of all: "I love you, Eamon."  His delight delights me.

Getting used to parenting two small people under the age of three on little sleep has been challenging, of course.  The heat wave we're having doesn't help (hello, 100+ degree temperatures when we live in a non-air-conditioned house!).  But slowly I'm finding a good rhythm.  I've taken the boys out to playgrounds and splash pads on my own a bunch of times now, and with each trip I get more confident, more sure of myself.

And look!  I've been breastfeeding in public!  Uncovered!  And it's okay!  With Jacob I never did this, always covered up, mostly not out of fear of offending anyone but because it felt too vulnerable to breastfeed uncovered.  But now?  I just really don't have the energy to care, or to wrestle with a cover.  A cover makes feedings so much harder, and anyway, it would be pointless given the amount I have to run after Jacob with a baby on my boob.  So that's cool. 

I have to admit . . . I'm so glad to not be pregnant anymore.  Which saddens me, because I loved being pregnant the first two times around, even with the tragedy of stillbirth touching it all.  It just felt so holy to me.  But this pregnancy was much harder physically -- I was sick a lot more, and I had polyhydramnios, excessive fluid, on top of regular contractions that started around 32 weeks and never stopped, not to mention horrible pelvic pain.  By the end, walking brought on debilitating pains . . . that, um, never started my labor.  When my O.B. broke my water at 39 weeks, I was dilated to 5 cm out of 10, and having contractions every 10-15 minutes . . . but wasn't in labor.  All that to say, I'm so grateful for my children, and also glad to be not-pregnant.  Three babies in four years is a lot, and my body (not to mention my mind and emotions) is done.  I'm ready to rest and heal.

I have to say, though, that it's weird, knowing that Eamon is our last baby.  A very important chapter in my life is closing, and while my husband and I agree that it's the right thing for us, and while I'm looking forward to the next chapter, it does feel bittersweet and odd.  Still, I'm excited to rediscover who I am once again (it's funny and beautiful and strange how each birth is a portal toward the next iteration of my self), and to enjoy time with my family.  And I'm especially looking forward to a lot more of these sweet smiles:

And so -- onward!

{And, in case you've missed them, some wonderful guest writers have been sharing their words here on the blog.  You can find their posts (plus all other past guest posts) here!}