Soul at Sea (prints available here) |
After we
returned home from the hospital, empty armed, I was
brokenhearted but determined. Determined
to grieve well, to to feel it all, to let God use it. And I did, and he
did, I guess. I don't know, really, who did what, only that
I showed up to the pain, to the searing of reality. And it changed me –
and it changes me.
It's odd to me, that we have become so ill-used to
mess. Jesus' life is anything but
orderly and expected. He went to the
wilderness, willingly and often. I don't
think you can go there and come back anything but unkempt, with tossed-about
hair and a strange new light in your eye.
I wonder if it's the desert that gave Jesus the courage to live and die
and live again as he did.
After my Eve girl
died within my body, after my first
pregnancy ended in birthing a dead body, I tried so hard to be the after of redemption, even while I
accepted that grief was unpredictable and long.
I thought that if I could be – or really, act – faithful enough, Eve's
death would be somehow worth it, redeemed.
Perhaps it inspires you that I could birth my dead daughter
and still profess to love the God that didn't save her. If it does, I am truly glad. May he lead you ever deeper through my
attempts.
But it didn't work for me. . . .
Today I'm writing over at the lovely Crystal Neubauer's blog for her redemption series!
I too have tried to pretend that the death of our babies has redeemed me, but it was just a cliche' /err , facade that cloaked the ever growing grief, that I could not escape, and it seemed so dark, and "bad"...I think trying to run away from that and keep my healing "tidy" made it impossible to ACTUALLY heal... And once again, I am back to square one... But, in the same light, feels way more productive this time around, now that I dont care what anyone thinks or feels about my healing and grieving....
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love this. Thanks for sharing it.
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