Monday, February 3, 2014

When I am Grateful for My Husband's Atheism

I've hinted here and there on this blog that in the early summer of 2013, my husband came out as an atheist.  I'd seen it coming, and he wasn't angry or bitter or any of the things you might think, but it still was shocking to me.  I felt suddenly adrift in our marriage, unequally yolked and all that.  He may not have been angry, but I was.  This wasn't what I'd signed up for -- uneven spiritual footing and what I perceived at the time to be our son's inevitable future of scarring religious confusion.

But I think what I was the most angry about was my husband's honesty, his dedication to being his true self.  How he wouldn't give away the core of his self to meet my or any other's expectations.  This took guts.  
And I was mad because I hadn't had those same guts.  I was mad at how many times previously in our marriage I'd shut down my own self in order to keep the peace (how often do we women do this?  how often are we expected to do this?).  I'd had questions, reservations, profound misgivings about my faith, but I'd crushed them down in the name of we.  
So when my husband did not do the same, I was hurt, and angry, and confused.  Wasn't Christian marriage supposed to be about self sublimation?  Hadn't I performed superbly?  And apparently I wasn't worth the effort.
But since then . . . my feelings on the matter have changed dramatically.  Because now, thanks to my husband's courage to stand up and say, "Here is what I believe to be true," I have ample elbow room to dig into those reservations that I'd previously silenced, sacrificed on the altar of "should."  Questions that are too uncomfortable for many Christians.  Doubts that are labeled as "sin" and "pride" and "falling away."  Misgivings that sound a whole lot like, "I feel that my faith has lashed my arms to my sides and my ankles together, and I cannot move or breathe and the ropes are cutting too deep into my flesh and I am weak from loss of blood."  Like, "My soul is crushed and dying under the weight of this Bible I am meant to embrace."  Like, "I cannot ignore these crucial problems I'm discovering I have with the bottom line of Christianity."  Like, "I cannot keep pretending to myself that this is working."
Now, I can cut loose the knotted ropes and breathe full and deep.  Now, I have time and space to entertain my doubts without the sense of an external source's hurrying me along that I felt before, eager for me to be done with all this, and quick.  Now, I don't have to spout right answers anymore in the name of marital unity, or nod along in glassy-eyed agreement with someone else's religious opinions.  
Now, because of my husband's atheism, I am free.  I am free to sift through the shifting sands of my self and my spirit and my spirituality and find what's working, and not, and let the "not" slide away.  I am free to figure out who I was born to be, to see what shoes fit on my own two feet instead of always squashing my toes into the too-small one-size-fits-all boots I'd been handed for so many years.  I am free to listen to the wind and my heart and the silence and discover what language Spirit uses to speak to me, because I don't think we were all made for one absolute way.  I am free to not-know, to experiment, to fall and stay fallen.  
Maybe I am falling away.  Maybe I have.  But I also know that now, fallen or not, I am free for the first time in more than three decades.  My spirit is lighter than it ever has been.  And there's no religious logic that can dissuade me of that glorious fact.

29 comments:

  1. I've felt similarly since my ex left. It's wild and good.

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  2. It sounds to me like you're doing serious work on the path of spiritual realization - it's inspiring and beautiful. I don't have same religious/spiritual beliefs with my partner (whereas I had with my ex) and I found that now instead of daily routine and a type of social pressure which fueled my spiritual practice before sometimes, it now comes from a sincere place within whenever I meditate, pray etc. since it's just me and God dealing with this.

    I once heard this allegory: Ultimately, you fly your own plane to where it is you want to go after death. No one can fly it for you. You have to be the one with the connection, conviction, etc. Although we all need teachers and mentors and partners, it is up to you. So in this spirit I've realized that different spiritual views are not an obstacle in a relationship at all. Just fly your own plane :)

    Much love.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Bhakti. I so appreciate your words, and I love that pilot analogy. And yes to serious spiritual work! It's hard, and scary, and amazing. Wowza. :)

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  3. I am deeply hoping that you are holding Jesus' hand and taking Him with you on your path of seeking. I think it's good and okay to seek deeper and want more, but if that means leaving Jesus and His love for you behind...I'm afraid things will become quite impossible eventually. This, from one who has been in the darkness and let blood flow from wrists...keep Him close dear girl. Just Him. I love you!! Margo

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    Replies
    1. I don't think for one second it's for you to say to Beth that life will be impossible. That's throwing those ropes back around her. This is her journey and she gets to choose how she walks it, regardless of what that looks like to anyone else.
      Jesus is in many more places that onlookers and outliers can see, in the wayward and unconventional.
      Be careful before you throw stoned of impossibility at someone when God is pretty damn big.

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    2. I haven't thrown stones at anyone, Bethany, whoever you are. And I cannot put ropes on her either. Be careful not to judge someone you don't know Bethany.

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  4. There is so much freedom in truthfulness. Love you, girl.

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  5. In my walk, I'm learning to distinguish between the Church and God. I'm quite convinced they are not the same thing. When Jesus was here (and he really, physically, and truthfully WAS here, on this very planet) there was only one group of people that pissed him off. He never, not once, scolded a "sinner" publicly. He never railed against the drunks, or those homos, or any tramps. The only group he publicly shamed, scorned and despised was religious leaders. I'm afraid if he were to visit us again right now, things might be very much the same.

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  6. sacrificed on the altar of should.

    damn, girl, this is powerful, and you know I walk this wavelength with you. I'm so insanely proud of this brave roaring you're doing lately. it makes me so much braver to know that you're roaring out like this. love you, beloved.

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  7. My friend, I get this. I get the freedom you feel to explore, thrash, discover, reject, fly. Soar my brave friend. Run. Jump. Explore. Enjoy the freedom to discover your true self. xo

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  8. I LOVE this fearless you. Shedding my quenching belief system has been liberating for me and I see the radiance of liberation all over you.

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  9. Beautiful & brave. Do not be afraid of your freedom! We hare all innately and spiritually hardwired to know our truth, whether we call it God or not. It's meant to be intuitive and personal and yours and sacred.

    “All religions are true but none are literal.” ― Joseph Campbell

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  10. I'm learning that doubt is healthy for faith, but I understand the struggle to be free of shackles, especially ones others try to put on me

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  11. totally understand and am having a similar experience. Found this book and I highly recommend it! Thrashing about with God. http://www.amazon.com/Thrashing-About-God-Finding-Everything/dp/0781408253 Just finished reading it and it has inspired me to really examine my faith and I feel free to say that I even am questioning! I think you will identify with her faith struggles. LOVE TO YOU

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  12. What a beautiful revelation you have made to us. I was raised to be Catholic not spiritual. I want to be a Spiritual person not one that as you describe, hands and feet tied. It has nothing, for me, to do with faith. I still have my faith and feel His presence every minute of the day. Hooray for us women who have found our voices at last.

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  13. Beth!!!!!!!
    This post is so refreshing, thank you for being honest. It is exacting and invigorating and wow.
    xo

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  14. VANILLA | Oct 9, 2013
    I am VANILLA from the united state, I want
    to say this explicitly for its of a surprise that
    regardless of the internet fraud, i could still
    meet some one this genuine, am not here to
    talk on relationship, so don’t be in the offing
    to hear that, but its something
    supplementary, for i cheeked for a
    endorsement in my office for the past one
    year, but my boss asked me to lay with him,
    or no promotion, when i met Dr BLACK he
    cast a spell for me and ask me to go to work
    and see what will happen, i went to work
    and saw my letter of endorsement waiting
    for me on my desk, just like that, i was so
    amazed, but i owe him the thanks…go to
    him for he will be of assistance, and please
    try to give him the chance he needs, for a
    chance might change your whole life…
    (okunspelltemple@gmail.com )
    predicament email him immediately without
    doubts •Thanks
    Report this post

    ReplyDelete
  15. Through your words/wrestlings/guts/courage Beth you walk with me in this part of the journey. Or I walk with you, one. Whatever the case, my thoughts fly to you and particularly to this lay-it-boldy-bare post when I land on the following sentiment from Montaigne's essay, Apology for Raymund Sebond: "A nice faith, that believes what it believes only through not having the courage to disbelieve it!"

    You are shaking loose of the nice faith that suited you so long. No wonder you're scaring yourself and others, disturbing the peace/piece when you run naked/vulnerable/cloaked in newness /robed in the power that accompanies ventures of the heart. (And to riff off your "Crippled by Absolutes" post), I say stand/wobble/thrash/flail/dance, sister, as you clean your room in your own way and time. Seems to me you're cleaning house.

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  16. I never believed in love spells or magic until I met this spell caster once when i went to see my friend in Indian this year on a business summit. I meant a man who's name is Dr ATILA he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one's gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .I'm now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 5 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 3years. I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 7 days when i returned to Canada, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn't believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. His email is atilahealinghome@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hello my name is mrs Tessy Jerry and am from u s a, i am hear to give testimony of how i got back my husband, we got married for more than 9 years and have gotten two kids. thing were going well with us and we are always happy. until one day my husband started to behave in a way i could not understand, i was very confused by the way he treat me and the kids. later that month he did not come home again and he called me that he want a divorce, i asked him what have i done wrong to deserve this from him, all he was saying is that he want a divorce that he hate me and do not want to see me again in his life, i was mad and also frustrated do not know what to do,i was sick for more than 2 weeks because of the divorce. i love him so much he was everything to me without him my life is incomplete. i told my sister and she told me to contact a spell caster, i never believe in all this spell casting of a thing. i just want to try if something will come out of it. i contacted for the return of my husband to me, they told me that my husband have been taken by another woman, that she cast a spell on him that is why he hate me and also want us to divorce. then they told me that they have to cast a spell on him that will make him return to me and the kids, they casted the spell and after 2 days my husband called me and he told me that i should forgive him, he started to apologize on phone and said that he still love me that he did not know what happen to him that he left me. it was the spell that Great ADAGBA casted on him that make him comeback to me today,me and my family are now happy again today. thank you Great ADAGBA for what you have done for me i would have been nothing today if not for your great spell. i want you my friends who are passing through all this kind of love problem of getting back their husband, wife , or ex boyfriend, ex lover and girlfriend to contact great ADAGBA with this via adagbaspiritualtemple@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete
  18. My Name is BULLY JANE, From USA I wish to share my testimonies with the
    World about what Dr Keke has just done for me ,This great man brought my
    lost Ex husband to me with his great spell within 24 hours. I was
    married to my husband JACK BULLY, we were together for a long time and
    we loved our self’s but when I was unable to give him a child for 2
    years he left me and told me he can’t continue anymore then I was now
    looking for ways to get him back until a friend of mine told me about
    this man and gave his contact email (greatkekespelltemple@gmail.com)
    then you won’t believe this when I contacted this man on my problems he
    prepared and cast a very strong spell for me and bring my lost husband
    back within 24hrs, and after a month I missed my monthly period and went
    for a test and the result showed that i was pregnant. i am happy today
    am a mother of a baby girl, thank you once again the great Dr Keke for
    what you have done for me.Contact him on his private email
    greatkekespelltemple@gmail.com if you are out there passing through any
    of this problems or predicaments in your life. his private website is
    http://greatkekespelltemple01.webs.com

    1) If you want your ex back.
    (2) if you always have bad dreams.
    (3) You want to be promoted in your office.
    (4) You want women/men to run after you.
    (5) If you want a child.
    (6) You want to be rich.
    (7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be
    yours forever.
    (8) If you need financial assistance.
    (9) How you been scammed and you want to recover you lost money.
    (10)if you want to stop your divorce.
    (11)if you want to divorce your husband.
    (12)if you want your wishes to be granted.
    (13) Pregnancy spell to conceive baby
    (14)Guarantee you win the troubling court cases & divorce no matter how what stage
    (15)Stop your marriage or relationship from breaking apart.
    (16) CURE OR HIV AND OTHER VIRAL DISEASES
    once
    again the email address is greatkekespelltemple@gmail.com contact him
    immediately or contact through his website at
    http://greatkekespelltemple01.webs.com

    ReplyDelete
  19. .....My Name is BULLY JANE, From USA I wish to share my testimonies with the
    World about what Dr Keke has just done for me ,This great man brought my
    lost Ex husband to me with his great spell within 24 hours. I was
    married to my husband JACK BULLY, we were together for a long time and
    we loved our self’s but when I was unable to give him a child for 2
    years he left me and told me he can’t continue anymore then I was now
    looking for ways to get him back until a friend of mine told me about
    this man and gave his contact email (greatkekespelltemple@gmail.com)
    then you won’t believe this when I contacted this man on my problems he
    prepared and cast a very strong spell for me and bring my lost husband
    back within 24hrs, and after a month I missed my monthly period and went
    for a test and the result showed that i was pregnant. i am happy today
    am a mother of a baby girl, thank you once again the great Dr Keke for
    what you have done for me.Contact him on his private email
    greatkekespelltemple@gmail.com if you are out there passing through any
    of this problems or predicaments in your life. his private website is
    http://greatkekespelltemple01.webs.com

    1) If you want your ex back.
    (2) if you always have bad dreams.
    (3) You want to be promoted in your office.
    (4) You want women/men to run after you.
    (5) If you want a child.
    (6) You want to be rich.
    (7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be
    yours forever.
    (8) If you need financial assistance.
    (9) How you been scammed and you want to recover you lost money.
    (10)if you want to stop your divorce.
    (11)if you want to divorce your husband.
    (12)if you want your wishes to be granted.
    (13) Pregnancy spell to conceive baby
    (14)Guarantee you win the troubling court cases & divorce no matter how what stage
    (15)Stop your marriage or relationship from breaking apart.
    (16) CURE OR HIV AND OTHER VIRAL DISEASES
    once
    again the email address is greatkekespelltemple@gmail.com contact him
    immediately or contact through his website at
    http://greatkekespelltemple01.webs.com

    ReplyDelete
  20. !!! “LOVE is the key to LIFE”. !!!

    “LOVE is the key to LIFE”. That was the word from Dr Ukaka when I consulted his powerful Love Temple. I married the wrong man; I realized that after four years of our unfruitful marriage. Everything was going from Best to Worst in our life, no child, I got demoted from work after our marriage, my husband was sacked a year after. His application for new job in various offices was constantly declined even though he was qualified enough. I was made to take care of my family with the low income I earn get that wasn’t enough to pay our rent. We keep praying a seeking for help from some people, my friends laugh at me behind because I was advised not to get married yet.It was one Thursday night that my husband woke me up and told me that has thought enough about our crisis, he said that our crisis is not ordinary and it’s beyond our spiritual level. He suggested we should consult Dr Ukaka from testimonies he showed me online about how he has been helping families. I was afraid, I don’t like evil or spell but I supported him to contact him if he can help us. We consulted him via freedomlovespel@gmail.com and he replied positively after 20munites with congratulating email that he can help us but he will need our pure heart and trusts in his work if he will cast the spell on us and purify our life. We agreed to his terms. He cast the spell and told us to expect results within 5days. I waited for three days nothing happened, so I started having doubt and blaming my husband for emailing Dr Ukaka. It was on the fifth day that my husband was called for an interview and he got a well-paying work, I was prompted to a higher position. I missed my period on the 5th day and it was confirmed that I am with a baby. Things have really changed for us for good and we now have our own house and cars. I will never forget what Dr Ukaka told us “LOVE is the key to LIFE”, this word keep me going. People that laughed at us are coming close for help and I am delighted to welcome them because my family is now blessed. Dr Ukaka is a savior and man that keep to his word even when I doubted his powers at the end of the spell. Thank you great Dr Ukaka and your Oracle for helping us via freedomlovespel@gmail.com and I will keep spreading this message to people in need of help. also contact him for help.website address: http://freedomlovespel.yolasite.com ; also call Dr.Ukaka on his mobile number +2348133873774),

    ReplyDelete
  21. THANKS TO DR BENEDICT FOR SOLVING MY PROBLEMS

    An amazing testimony on a spell caster who brought my wife back to me.. My name is Andy Sowers,i live in Australia,and I'm happily married to a lovely and caring wife,with two kids.A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my wife.so terrible that she took the case to court for a divorce.she said that she never wanted to stay with me again,and that she didn't love me anymore.So she packed out of my house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get her back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and she confirmed it that she has made her decision,and she never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my wife.So i explained every thing to her,so she told me that the only way i can get my wife back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for her too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow her advice. Then she gave me the email address of the spell caster whom she visited.{benedictsolutioncentre@yahoo.com}. So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address she gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my wife back the next day.What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my wife who didn't call me for the past seven {7}months,gave me a call to inform me that she was coming back.So Amazing!! So that was how she came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and she apologized for her mistake,and for the pain she caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster DR benedict. So.
    So,if you are in a similar problem or any kind of problems you can also contact him via his email(benedictsolutioncentre@yahoo.com}he is the solution to all your problems and predicaments in life.his email again is{benedictsolutioncentre@yahoo.com}.

    HE ALSO SPECIALIZE IN THE THE FOLLOWING PROBLEMS;

    (1) If you want your ex back.
    (2) If you want to be promoted in your office.
    (3) If you want a child.
    (4) If you want to be rich.
    (5) if you have any sickness like ( H I V/AIDS ),(CANCER) or any sickness
    (6) if you are deaf and blind and you want to see and hear again.

    once again make sure you contact him if you have any problem he will help you. his email address is(benedictsolutioncentre@yahoo.com}

    ReplyDelete
  22. NATASHA

    what are your problems? do you have trouble, problems in your marriage?

    do you have fight with your ex? are you in trouble of debt? are you lust

    what are those things killing your happiness, making you so unhappy? you

    don't have to worry no more because we have got a quick way in solving

    problems.

    ATTENSIONS

    readers please beware that spel caster are everywhere fake looking for

    whom to scam i was scammed 4good times with different ones, i almost

    gave up to the ghost because i was in trouble of debt and also my

    husband was about to leave me and my children before i met micsuca.

    MICSUCA

    IS A PROPHET who also believe in jai mata durga. goddess of india

    mom of the world. here is his email micsuca@gmail.com, i contacted

    when i was in so much pains and sorrow among all he was the only

    person who genuinely helped rostore my home also payed my debt.

    feel safe and happy only with micsuca anything you need shall be

    gven unto your desires,thanks to you master, father of the world

    praise be you, thanks guys for your understanding. GOD BLESS AMERICA.

    ReplyDelete
  23. dwrWithout DR DAHIRU a lot of people would have been dead through heart break. My case is not different from heart break, I am married woman with 3 kids and there was a time when i was having problem with my husband because he was having an affair outside our marriage and this was making me feel bad. So i tried finding solution to my problem by reading a lot of relationship tips on the internet and that was how i came in contact with DR DAHIRU contact details and through the help of DR DAHIRU at arewaspecialistttemple@gmail.com my husband left the girl he was having affair with and he came back to me and our kids. After a job well done by DR DAHIRU i felt that it will be unfair if i keep this secret to myself and that is why i am going to drop the contact details of DR DAHIRU right now,or you can also reach him via this email: arewaspecialistttemple@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  24. I don’t
    want to go into the whole long story..but bottom line is I have been doing no
    contact and he has emailed and phoned and I have ignored….now I know for a fact
    he is PISSED ..big time…he has written some things on his profile that I know
    were meant for me to see…what do I do??? I am panicked he will just say for get
    it.. I order love spell from this website http://magical-rituals.com and my boyfriend come back to me.

    ReplyDelete

"I am glad you are here with me."
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King