Monday, January 27, 2014

When Farewell is Easy and Excruciating [Made 2014 Update]


I didn't expect this, when I woke up this morning.  Didn't expect to for my eyes to open to the new day, only to open all over again to certain, freeing truth.  To the needed, good, but excruciating thing my soul needed.

My soul, my soul, with its wings tethered for all these years to my sides with cords that cut and bite my flesh deep.  My soul, that I've tried to forget, to silence and bury, to form into a shape she was not made to hold.

I'd tried so hard for so long to be what everyone expected, wanted, needed me to be.  Everyone, that is, except my self.

But then 2014 dawned as my fearless year, my year of experimentation, of meeting this woman I am and yet am not, the woman that was almost lost but now (I hope) will imminently be found.  A person can not be both fearless and stifled at the same time.

And it has hurt, terribly, to try to be this person that I am not.  Perhaps I never was her, or maybe I was but have since outgrown her and my body longs to slough that old skin off like a snake.  It's time to let the dead and withered shell yield to the raw and vibrant skin beneath, skin that longs to kiss the sun.

In this morning's dark, I knew that it was time.  To full step into fearless, to chew through these last remaining threads on the cord that binds my wings.  

So I did.  And it was terrifying.  And excruciating.  And -- exhilarating.  So, so right, and needed.

The cord fell away like ash, and my wings groaned and creaked as they unfurled to uncertain freedom.  I am still learning to use them, but it feels delicious to finally have them spread wide and reaching toward the sky.

All this to say -- I am stepping away from the leadership of Made 2014 (yes, there is going to be a 2014 round of the seminal art + faith ecourse with all new content).  I'm handing the reins of this beautiful beast over to the one woman I know was made for the job, Anna K.  

Let me be clear.  I am not stepping away from Made for any other reason than because my soul needs space, to question and discover and fly into uncharted skies . . . and doing that while running a faith-based course just does not work well.  I felt like I had to hide who I was, and that was poisoning me, and poisoning Made.  It's better this way.

This was an easy decision . . . and an excruciating one.  Easy, because it was so needed, and because my soul felt so light in letting Made go.  But excruciating because Made is one of my babies, born from my soulful innards as surely as my two human children were.  I know that she's in good hands, but I'm going to miss her.

And who knows, perhaps I will be back at the helm for Made 2015 (if there will be a Made 2015 at all) . . . but I'm not too worried about that.  I've got atrophied wings that want to remember how to soar, and a heart that's fired up for the bruises and skinned knees that I'm sure I'll earn in the process, badges of a life well lived.  

And that's the thing, really.  I want to live.  Because I haven't been, not truly.  And I cannot stand it for one single second longer.  

Here's to limitless horizons and remembering who I am, and releasing Made to be who she was born to be, too.

10 comments:

  1. Beth, doing something so hard, so needed, so freeing... this is the fearless.

    Thank you for beginning Made, for setting it in motion, for all that it was, has been, and will be. For putting your heart, your soul, your all into it. And the trust it takes - the fearless heart - to continue to be true to yourself and to see the ways in which both you and the course may grow, apart from one another? Major kudos for walking your talk.

    You continue to amaze me.

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  2. I am so very, very proud of you.

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  3. God bless you Beth, for trusting Him and stepping into who you are. I so greatly admire your courage and fearlessness. Thank you for starting Made and for leaving her in awesome hands. Not only have you unfurled your own wings, but you have given Made her wings as well.

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  4. Beautiful...Many blessings as you soar...

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  5. What a beautiful and moving post. Your fearless year seems to be helping you to move forward, to follow your path...

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  6. honored to be a witness to your beautiful journey into the "limitless horizons."
    so much love.
    xo
    erica

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  7. Beth thank you daughter of the King... our Daddy is fearless and adventurous ... Mysterious and Holy and He scares me but He also beckons me too. I am glad to know I am not alone and I have been blessed by your vulnerability and beauty as you explore faithful and doubtingly. A fellow sister in faith and sojourner on earth. Blessings Warrior Princess

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  8. so damn proud of you for this. you're following your gut and your soul, and I cannot be more proud or more supportive of you. <3

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  9. You're wise, lady. Enjoy your new wings.

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  10. I think this is not the post you intended for 29 faces on February 1.

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"I am glad you are here with me."
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King