Friday, December 13, 2013

It is Written

I didn’t expect life’s next betrayal to come from the inside.  A trusted shelter, the most sacred space, its curtain rent by death and rife with treachery.

Thirty one weeks we had walked in the world as parents, ripening with expectation.  Eleven weeks since we saw her via ultrasound, ten since I felt her move within me.

And then –

No kicks, none of the rolling in my belly that filled my blood and skin and synapses with joy.  A midnight drive to the hospital, calmly checking in at the labor and delivery desk when all I want to do was scream something’s wrong, help us, help her instead of smiling thinly and filling out the form the receptionist slid toward me, scribbling my signature with fingers weighted with fear.

And finally, in a gown and in a bed, a nurse tracing gel over my abdomen, listening to the whoosh of the guts and fluid within, but no heartbeat, no heartbeat.  She might be hiding, as babies do, the nurse says, and I nod and hop, but my doctor steps into the room gray-faced and the smile that fluttered up my face as she entered falters. . . .

I'm excited to be writing  over at Truth Be Told today for Bethany's It is Written series about writing truth on our skin.  This is maybe my favorite thing I have ever written.


  1. Beth -- What a profound piece of writing this is, just like the heart-wrenching story of life and death you have courageously lived and now shared. Thank you. Throughout the whole piece (here and over at Truth Be Told), I could hear the heartbeat, heartbeat...still living on through your powerful words of faith, both typed and eye-liner drawn. They are healing, indeed.

    With gratitude and prayers from your neighbor at Imperfect Prose,

  2. This is just an amazing work of art. you put into words so many things I have felt over the last 3 years dealing with recurrent losses,( and a 2nd tri loss in 2008)....I love how you wrote out those truths and your faith on your body..That was touching and inspiring and empowering beyond words...

  3. Wow this is abosultely beautiful and heart wrenching at the same time. I cannot imagine. I do understand the horror of watching the ultrasound monitor and discovering that there is no heart beat anymore. I've lost 3 precious babies during the first trimester. I often struggle with hating my body to...for not doing what it's "supposed" to do. Thank you for sharing from your heart and soul.


"I am glad you are here with me."
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King