Friday, April 12, 2013

In Which I Tremble and Tell the Truth

Graffiti

You know those times when everything is a battle that you've got no energy left to fight, and the little things are what threaten to push you over the edge?

That's where I'm living these days.

For the past two weeks, our sweet son has not slept more than a [small] handful of hours a night, with a few exceptions.  He is tired, and I am tired.

And then silly things happen, like this blog post disappearing after it was half written, and I just want to throw myself a nice little temper tantrum.

Let's just say that I'm learning how to let go.

And it's hard.  But good, and so needed.

Because I don't want my son to remember a mama who shamed him for spurting most of his newly introduced solid foods all over the kitchen and his high chair and himself.  Who was quick to snap a snarky comeback, or heap criticism upon criticism.

I want him to remember love.  I want him to remember a beautiful mess embraced.  I want him to remember his mistakes released and discipline that is fair and wise instead of destructive and demeaning.  I want him to remember the sanctity of his skin respected and the contents of his mind validated and grace upon grace upon grace.

Because that is what is right, and what he has a right to.  Because that is what preserves dignity and identity and a sense of self-worth.  Because that is what my True Parent has given me. 

And because I know what it feels like to live after twenty years of you are not good enough, you are bad, you are wrong messages, both spoken and implied.  Of the sacrificing of my fragile heart and God-made self at the altars of control and saving face.  Of the blows that I was told were tough love, deserved spankings, blows that were anything but. 

That photo is wrong.  I am not empty.  I am exhausted, yes, but not empty.  I am full -- of purpose, of determination to write a better story for my son than the one I lived.  Of trust that God will mend the gaps that I leave in my son's heart (may they be few and small).  Of hope that maybe He is sewing up the jagged wounds of my heart, too, stitch by stitch.

This is my truth, and my tired heart begs the telling of it.  And so I do.  Perhaps fatigue has made me brave.

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Today Jennifer over at Studio JRU is giving away one of my art prints (winner's choice) AND a copy of my artistic healing workbook, Life After Eating Disorder.  Enter here!
 
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19 comments:

  1. Hang in there. I know how it feels to "not be good enough", I am still struggling. With my own self, with being a parent, with life in general.

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    1. It's such a pervasive thing in moms' hearts, I think, that not-good-enough-ness. And yet it's not really talked about openly (at least, not in my circles...my online mama friends are more open, thankfully). Hugs, Amanda. <3

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  2. Sometimes it's just too damn hard; motherhood and childhood and singlehood and houses that need cleaning and yardwork and work work and people that need loving and time that just goes too fast before we realize that everything we've been doing is just dust in the wind and the important things like following our Savior and loving our family and just being "HIS" is enough. And it's okay if the house is dirty. It's okay if there's always a mess somewhere. It's okay if there is food on the floor. Because when those things exist perhaps it's because we've sat at the feet of Jesus and listened and loved that which is real. I, too, know the "not good enough" voice in my head...but that is not the truth. That is from the enemy, or myself, but not the God who loves us every single moment of every single day. Sometimes (like today :-) )I just have to bow where I am at that moment, and give it up, and reach for Him. And sometimes...I just have to say: "Martha Martha Martha). Ya know?? Big hugs!!

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    1. Yes yes YES, sweet Margo! You'd feel right at home here...my house is messy and I say that's a sign of parenting + artistic success. :) But you're right...I do need to just sit at His feet more, and just BE His. I don't mind the physical mess so much, but the mess of my heart needs to be cleansed daily by His love and grace.

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  3. "And because I know what it feels like to live after twenty years of you are not good enough, you are bad, you are wrong messages, both spoken and implied." Well written. I relate to that statement. As Margo says, someties just being HIs is enough, even if life is messy.

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    1. Hugs, Laurie. I hate that you get it, but glad that we can speak our truths and know that we are not alone. Thanks for sharing that. <3

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  4. Such a beautiful inspiring post from such a tiered mommy. I know that when I am tiered I often do and say things I regret. I post scriptures and wise quotes around my house to help me stay in check when the weariness is overwhelming. Praying for you Beth! I feel your pain my 2 year old decided he dose not like sleeping through the night and my four year decided she likes my bed;/

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  5. I love the mess. I love YOUR mess. It validates my own.

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    1. I love that you love it. Here's to our God-redeemed messes!

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  6. Cheers to the messes... and the grace to love the messes in ourselves, our families, and others!

    I'm looking forward to more of your writing, Beth!

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  7. I believe that God will give you these desires of your heart. May you find peace and as much clarity as possible in the midst of the sleep deprivation. <3

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  8. Hi Beth! Happy Saturday to you, hoping you've found more rest in the past couple days.
    Surely the Lord is stitching up old wounds in your heart. That is what it felt like for me- little stitch after stitch. funny thing is that I was reminded in Bible reading this morning- a thousand days is like a day to the Lord, and a day like a thousand years. Also read that He is so patient with us as so that we may not perish. Another funny thing is--- in my impatience I felt as if I were to die (soon) had not the Lord healed me quicker. I have had things (wounds) healed up by the grace of God- sure was a process He took me on though. And there are still things (old wounds, even recent wounds) that I still waiting on.

    What a darling son you have!!! And through your past hurts, trusting in the Lord, they only make for a more wonderful mother that you all ready are!
    Blessings & Peace!! ~Deanna

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    1. I love how you put that, Deanna. Thank you for the encouragement and wisdom!

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  9. Brave indeed, and you are a beautiful honest loving soul with so much grace to offer your son. Beautiful Beth.

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"I am glad you are here with me."
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King