Thursday, November 1, 2012

Celebrating Eve's First Birthday: Want To Help?

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Eve's birthday has been on my mind.

It's coming up too fast.  November 20 is nearly here . . . how can it already have been one year?  It seems impossible.  And yet it is.

I've been thinking a lot about what to do on her birthday.  A few months ago, I intended to throw her a little birthday party and invite our close friends.  But lately that feels overwhelming.  So I think we will probably celebrate instead as a family, just the three of us remembering the fourth.  Maybe we will blow out a candle for her.

I also would like to use her birthday to give back.  We received amazing care from the nurses and doctor who supported us through Eve's induction and stillbirth, far beyond what I would have thought to expect.  I feel so blessed, because I know that not all stillbirth mamas are so lucky. 

However, I do have one regret.  I am very sad that I never took photos of Eve myself.  I brought my camera to the hospital, but didn't know if it was okay to take pictures.  And honestly I was so exhausted by the end that it seemed like enough to leave the matter in the hands of the professional photographer who generously volunteered her time and heart to recording our daughter's image.

But now I wish I had known that it was okay.  I wish I had taken some myself.  And I wish I'd known in general that it was okay to do whatever I needed to do to enjoy her, mourn her, and make memories with and of her.

As a result, in honor of Eve's first birthday, I would like to donate copies of the book When Hello Means Goodbye to our local hospital for infant bereavement care.  I discovered this book shortly after Eve's stillbirth, and wish that I had been able to read it the day before she was born in preparation for her arrival.  The book is basically a how-to manual for navigating the early days of babyloss, helping bereaved parents make important decisions that they only have a very short time to make and that must last a lifetime, yet that they are often not equipped to make due to grief, exhaustion, or just plain old not-knowing.

I wish I had read this book in the eternally long day that spanned between the night we found out that Eve had died to the evening that we checked into the hospital for induction -- partly because I didn't know how to plan for this huge and horrible event, partly because I had no idea what to expect physically or emotionally, and partly because so I would have known that it is okay to make memories of your dead child.  Even though our hospital staff took such loving and beautiful care of us, providing us with many keepsakes that I treasure, this book would still have been a huge help to my limping, terrified heart in the very early days of this new life as a stillbirth parent.

Would you like to celebrate Eve's birthday in this way with me?  I'd love to collect copies of When Hello Means Goodbye if it's on your heart to participate.  The books are fairly inexpensive -- less than $6.00 US per copy -- so even if you contributed a single book, collectively we could make a huge donation!  If you would like to send a book, you can purchase one or some via my Amazon wishlist.  If you have any questions or trouble with the wishlist, send me an email at epiphanyartstudio (at) zoho (dot) com.  Maybe if we collect enough we can donate books to OB offices or even other hospitals, too! 

Baby Girl November 20, 2011-12

17 comments:

  1. I also loved that book. Our nurses gave it to my hubby at the hospital but we didn't look at it til we got home. I wish my dr would have given it to me the day before our induction when we found out Alexander had passed. What a beautiful way to remember and celebrate Eve <3

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    1. You and Stephanie have great ideas -- I'll chat with my doctor to see if I can leave some books with her in her office, too. Thank you! <3

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  2. I would love to send a book, so I'm going to email you right now!

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  3. I was thinking like Megan and that you may consider donating to the Drs office cause that's where you get the bad news typically and where you leave with maybe a pamphlet and a spinning head. I would like to donate so I'll email you shortly.

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  4. Just ordered and shipped one to you.

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  5. Beautiful! I too gave back on my sons first birthday. I organized a blanket drive for the Sweet Pea Project that included both blanket donations and copies of the book "Still" I wrapped up the drive and donated the blankets right before his birthday. And I sent a care package of goodies to the nursing staff who so gently and lovingly care for us as we said hello and goodbye to Lennon. Donating items in his memory allowed me to breathe life into him and honor him and I vowed to do it every year. And in honor and remembrance of your sweet Eve I have ordered a book!

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  6. I am so sorry you lost your little one. She and I share a birthday and I'll think of her, and you and your family, every year from here on out. My little guy was born sleeping in 2006 and my heart aches for you. *hugs*

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  7. I would love to donate one on behalf of my dear Sebastian. I love this idea and hopefully will have my head more around things next year to do something similar for Sebastian's 2nd birthday.

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  8. This is super. We had the same idea for Zoe's birthday coming up on the 3rd. We are donating I Will Carry You to the hospital. Would love to donate for your Eve as well. Praying for you in the coming weeks.

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  9. Great idea! When we buy it from Amazon, do we ship it to you??? Praying for you as Eve's Birthday approaches.

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  10. Thinking of you and your family, Beth. I have only just found your blog and after reading some of your posts I am so moved by your strength and courage. I am in the UK but if I can donate a book and have it posted directly to you then I would be more than happy to help xx

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  11. SGM will donate 3 copies. Wonderful idea. The concept of parents "not knowing what is OK or acceptable to do" is one that we try to convey to hospitals often during our seminars.I carry many regrets because of that very struggle.

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  12. SGM will donate 3 copies. Wonderful idea. The concept of parents "not knowing what is OK or acceptable to do" is one that we try to convey to hospitals often during our seminars.I carry many regrets because of that very struggle.

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  13. I so agree that book was so helpful. I found myself in my hospital room alone the morning after the stillbirth of my son Seth. I happened to pick up the book and started reading. It was like a manual and so helped me with the decisions I made that day like asking my friends to hold my baby, bringing my older children in see their brother, and of course having pictures taken. I am so thankful for the memories I created that day. I wish nurses knew what this book said and would have promoted me to read it. If I hadn't accidentally picked it up in a quiet moment I may have missed opportunities.

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  14. Beth, thank you for giving your readers the blessing of honoring Eve and be a small part of comfort for those who suffer such great loss. I don't know if I told you but my friend, Ashley, lost her son, Grant at the same gestational age as Eve. Since then she and her husband adopted a daughter but now are three days from meeting their son who she is carrying now in her womb. He will be 39 weeks on Monday and that will be his birthday. All these months I have prayed for Ashley and EVERY TIME I did, every time I saw her about town or at church, I lifted up prayers for her and the baby and I prayed for you and Jacob. I had been wanting to send you a gift so this was the perfect way for me to do that. So love your heart. What a great mom you are!!!

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  15. Can I still purchase these or are you done distributing them for now? A dear family member lost a baby earlier this year. We were going to have a big family baby shower in December. Obviously that won't be happening which is so painful. I thought, though, that I'd like to make some sort of meaningful donation in memory of the baby.

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    1. Yes, you definitely can! I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of a baby in your family. :(

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"I am glad you are here with me."
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King