Tuesday, July 10, 2012

On Not Reading + Perfectionism

Untitled 

When I was pregnant with Eve, I was all about child-related reading.  Books on parenting, unschooling and homeschooling, newborn care, child development, elimination communication, sleep cycles -- I devoured as many as I could get my hands on.   

This time around, however, things are different.  It's been really, really hard to get myself to read any baby-related books at all.  

Much of this is due to fear.  I had read and prepared for Eve's arrival the best that I could -- and then she died.  So it feels wrong to pick those same books that I was in the middle of at the time of her death now.  I know that there's probably a lot of superstition motivation behind it, but even knowing that doesn't make it any easier.  

But not reading makes me feeling like a terrible mother.  It's a tough spot -- reading parenting books makes me feel like I'm condemning our rainbow to the same fate as Eve, and not reading makes me feel like I must not care enough about him to prepare for his arrival.

I can't win this battle against my own mind.

 Untitled

A few weeks ago, I was chatting with another babylost mama who is also pregnant with her rainbow right now, and the topic of books came up.  She told me that she wasn't reading many parenting books for the same reasons that I've been doing the same.  She said that she's been giving her the space and grace to not put herself through the mental and emotional ordeal of reading now, to make this pregnancy as least stressful as possible.

When she shared that, I felt an immense rush of freedom.  I don't have to be a parenting-book-reading powerhouse!  I don't have to be perfect, to perform perfectly (and really, isn't "perfection" relative?).  I can be the broken, anxious, carefully hoping woman that I have become.  No forced reading required. 

I wonder if this seems like a trivial, silly thing to be concerned with.  But it has been a heavy weight upon me -- a weight that is now lifted.  

So instead of forcing myself to frog march through books on parenting that I now know too well I might never get to put to use, I am reading books that serve me in this season.  Books on pregnancy after a loss.  Books on faith.  Books on God and doubt and fear and sorrow.  Books that lead me along the path I am currently walking, not a future path that my feet have not quite come to.  

I will one day return to the parenting books.  But I'm not ready yet.  I will be, one day, perhaps sooner than I expect.  But now I know that it's okay to let those books alone, and so I am.

Have you ever given yourself permission to not be perfect?  How did it go?

Untitled

For the curious, here are the books that I have been reading lately (yes, there are a few parenting books, but only the ones that feel nourishing):

15 comments:

  1. I love that you have reached this place of peace. Sometimes -- like in the case of nutrition -- I sort of feel the less you read the better as that makes your more willintg to trust your intuition and natural instincts and start doubting yourself.

    I think deeeeep down you have a vision of how you want to raise your child. And I think God fills in the rest. And there is One Book you're reading that --- well. Let's just say it may be the best thing for you and your child and it sort of is all encompassing (0;

    Allow yourself that space just like your friend did.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I mean...trust your insticts and NOT doubt or second guess yourself. Overthinking....not doing you. That is where trouble happens.

      Delete
    2. I love how you put that, Missy! So apt. And you're right -- I do have a vision of how I want to raise this boy. Without books! I guess I feel like I need the books to tell me how to achieve that vision...but if I find I need help along the way, maybe that's the time to get myself to the library instead of trying to cram my head with knowledge preventatively.

      Delete
  2. When I was expecting our first and during his first year, I read up on all sorts of parenting stuff. I wanted to be prepared! I wanted to be on top of things! Then when I was expecting our second, I tried to read like I did the first time, but it just wasn't happening since I had more important things to focus on. I honestly felt guilty about it (I too want to be perfect) and emotionally whacked myself over it. And then I came to a point of realizing that I didn't NEED to read all of those books to be a good parent. In fact, they were making me much more uptight and stressed. It was so freeing. Parenting is a lot more intuitive than you might think, and there's no "right" way to do it. Every child is different, and you have to trust yourself as their parent. My journey is obviously quite different than yours, but I like reading about your story too and knowing I'm not alone out there in my anxious pursuit of the will-o-the-wisp that is "perfection."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's how I've felt after reading the few parenting books I've been able to get through, too, Christina -- uptight and stressed, and freaking out about how I'll possibly be able to remember it all when the time comes. Lol silly us. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone! :)

      Delete
  3. My doctor gave me two books to read and I didn't, because I didn't want to know what I was "supposed to". I didn't want to know that this or that or the other thing were supposed to happen. I just wanted to experience my pregnancy myself, without the pressure of the stuff you're "supposed to" go through. When Liam was born, I just wanted to experience him. People would ask me what "percentile" he was in - his doctor never talked about that and I never asked. I didn't need to compare him to other kids. I'd never changed a diaper before he was born. Never snapped on a onesie. Am I a bad mother for not reading books? I know, without a doubt, that you're not thinking "Duh, of course you are!" Books won't make you a good mother, Beth. You ARE a good mother. Jacob is SO lucky already.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I love that, Goog -- how you didn't even read the two "required" books because you wanted your mothering to be non-comparative and organic and all you. That is awesome, and inspiring. Thank you.

      Delete
  4. My mom said she got a ton of reading done while breast feeding. Save those parenting books for then if you still want to read them at that point.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Grace...grace is what you need, my dear sister. Bathe in it, wallow in it, surround yourself with it. Love to you...

    ReplyDelete
  6. Way to go Beth. And why is it conditioned that "perfection" = reading a bunch of books anyways? Maybe tapping into what you already know is a perfecting. What you are doing with writing and studying your feelings is perfecting. Just letting yourself relax is perfecting. Etc.

    And this line, "I can't win this battle against my own mind," reminds me of a book, "The Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer! Ha.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Clare. I AM trying to know myself better, and who I am becoming, and who I am in God. You're right -- those must all be applicable to parenting, right?

      I read that book! :)

      Delete
  7. In my experience it is often useless to read such parenting books, as most babies haven't read them and don't know what they're supposed to be doing and when they're supposed to be sleeping/eating/playing! You are and will be a wonderful mother. My favourite saying "just believe". xxx

    ReplyDelete

"I am glad you are here with me."
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King