Dear Eve,
Six months. Today, it is six months since we held you for the first and last time. Since you arrived in body, but an empty body, your soul already living somewhere far better.
I am happy that you are with God, precious firstborn, curly-haired daughter. I would not have you give up Heaven for my arms.
But I miss you.
Every night, I think of you. Of how it felt when you fell from my body. Of how still, how silent you were when your daddy showed you to me for the first time. Of how deeply the sweetness and sadness of you pierced me. Of how afraid I was, of the future. Because how could we survive when you had died, so suddenly and without cause?
But surviving we are. Surviving because it is our only option, besides despair. But when we know that you are with God, and that we will join you one day, how can we not press on past despair?
Even though sometimes survival feels impossible. It seems impossible that we are still alive. That I have lived six whole months without you. I have dreaded this day, and yet here it is. It crept up, gentle and soft as your skin.
I don't mind that it is here at last, I suppose. It is just another day to remember you, just as the memory of you permeates my every moment.
But still. It is hard. Do you know how much I miss you? Do you know that I am carrying the baby who I think is your baby brother, living the same space within me where you lived and died?
That reality is strange, too. How is any of this possible? Is this truly the life that I am living?
It is. And it is a daily challenge. But not without blessings.
It is a blessing to have had you in my life, sweet girl, even if it was for so short a time.
It is a blessing to know that God is using all of this for His glory and my good.
It is a blessing to be hoping for a second child, even when the hoping is hard, and even though I know that it is probable that his life will highlight your death, unlike what many might think.
It is a blessing to be married to your father, to be walking through this with him. I wish you could have known him in this life.
It is a blessing to be alive, even though it hurts.
It is a blessing that we all belong to God, and so death is not the end, but a beginning.
You are a blessing, baby girl.
Happy half-birthday, my daughter who Lives.
Love,
your mama
Six months. Today, it is six months since we held you for the first and last time. Since you arrived in body, but an empty body, your soul already living somewhere far better.
I am happy that you are with God, precious firstborn, curly-haired daughter. I would not have you give up Heaven for my arms.
But I miss you.
Every night, I think of you. Of how it felt when you fell from my body. Of how still, how silent you were when your daddy showed you to me for the first time. Of how deeply the sweetness and sadness of you pierced me. Of how afraid I was, of the future. Because how could we survive when you had died, so suddenly and without cause?
But surviving we are. Surviving because it is our only option, besides despair. But when we know that you are with God, and that we will join you one day, how can we not press on past despair?
Even though sometimes survival feels impossible. It seems impossible that we are still alive. That I have lived six whole months without you. I have dreaded this day, and yet here it is. It crept up, gentle and soft as your skin.
I don't mind that it is here at last, I suppose. It is just another day to remember you, just as the memory of you permeates my every moment.
But still. It is hard. Do you know how much I miss you? Do you know that I am carrying the baby who I think is your baby brother, living the same space within me where you lived and died?
That reality is strange, too. How is any of this possible? Is this truly the life that I am living?
It is. And it is a daily challenge. But not without blessings.
It is a blessing to have had you in my life, sweet girl, even if it was for so short a time.
It is a blessing to know that God is using all of this for His glory and my good.
It is a blessing to be hoping for a second child, even when the hoping is hard, and even though I know that it is probable that his life will highlight your death, unlike what many might think.
It is a blessing to be married to your father, to be walking through this with him. I wish you could have known him in this life.
It is a blessing to be alive, even though it hurts.
It is a blessing that we all belong to God, and so death is not the end, but a beginning.
You are a blessing, baby girl.
Happy half-birthday, my daughter who Lives.
Love,
your mama
Happy half-birthday Eve. I celebrate your divinity, and the blessings of growth (even through pain) you have offered your parents and all of us through your life as an angel.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post. My heart goes out to you Beth! Praying for peace for you and your lovely family. XO
ReplyDeleteSuch a beautiful post. A great way to love and honor your Eve and give glory to God. Many prayers and hugs for you on this oh so hard day.
ReplyDeleteSuch a beautiful post, Beth. It's nice to read words by someone who has a similar view of Life and Death as I do. Much love to you. xoxo
ReplyDeleteThank you for reminding me of the blessing that our heavenly children our. I needed this today.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, poetic post Beth. I hear your love, sadness and hope, it is inspiring. What a blessing the we have the hope of Heaven. Saying a prayer for you my friend.
ReplyDeleteYour love for your precious Eve resonates loud and clear with the post. You are a beautiful mother Beth.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post, Beth.
ReplyDeleteThank God it's only the beginning. For that reason, we get up each day, we find ways to live this life with happiness and joy; one day this life will have been a blink of an eye and our babies will be back in our arms! Beautiful name-beautiful girl-beautiful Mommy!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your sweet comment on my blog. I look forward to following your site :)
This is so perfect. We just passed our 6 month mark of losing our baby girl a few weeks ago, and you so perfectly describe many of my own feelings and thoughts. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDelete