Sunday, January 22, 2012
Two Months Later
Two months ago today, I held my daughter in my arms for the first and last time.
It's hard to believe that it's already and only been two months.
Looking back, I feel amazed that I survived those two months, especially the days immediately we after we received the worst news that parents can hear -- that our daughter had died before she breathed, of no known cause. I was in shock, unable to feel my grief, to cry, to wail for my loss. I felt strangely normal.
And yet, looking back from today, I can see how dark that time was. How afraid I felt, how alone. I can see that every moment, every movement was torture, even though I couldn't tell in the moment. From today, I can see how hard it was to breath, how each inhalation was a desperate, gasping clutch at life. I can see now that I breathed like a drowning person. That I was a drowning person.
Sometimes -- most times -- I long to go back to those days. My daughter felt nearer, and my husband's grief was more obvious. I wish I could stay in the hospital cradling my daughter's body forever. In spite of the pain all around, I felt safe there.
But every so often I want to live, live into the future, even though I cannot see what the earthly future could ever hold for me now. Because if I keep living, then although I am moving away from my daughter's death, I am drawing closer to the Life everlasting with our Father, and with her.
That is what I am living for, two months later.
Labels:
eve,
Eve's candle,
God,
grief,
Heaven,
jason gray,
music,
stillbirth
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Thank you for that video, it really touched me.
ReplyDeleteOh Beth. I know there are such good things ahead of you. <3 -Shannon
ReplyDeletehugs friend <3
ReplyDeleteaptly summed up, Beth. beautiful song/video
ReplyDelete[...] Eve’s candle burning in the morning dark // one thousand gifts seen and counted [...]
ReplyDelete[...] that your death was not the end of the story. From time to time I smell the scent of your lilac candle in places where it just should not be, and I wonder. I want you to be in Heaven, to stay safe in [...]
ReplyDelete