Friday, November 20, 2009

Hoop Healing

Here is my response to the most recent hoop flow challenge on Hoop City. The object of the challenge was to communicate a message. This could be anything from an emotion to an experience or a person . . . and this is what I came up with. (The description I posted on Hoop City with the video is included below.)

I have been battling anorexia with dangerously compulsive over-exercise, combined with bouts of binging, for three years. In the space of those three years, I met and married the man who is now my husband. I wrote two novels. I climbed mountains . . . and then I gave it all away to be skinny. And I was skinny -- sickeningly so. (If you're interested, check this disturbing self-portrait out). I thought I was lovely . . . but I was sick, and deluded, and on the verge of death. I wished for death, in fact, and to this day am shocked that I still live.

But things turned around. Largely due to my wonderful husband, I began receiving treatment with a counselor experienced with eating disorder patients. I got plugged back into the world -- I started working again, and this school year I began an amazing job. I never could have done this job as an anorexic girl. Through the healing process I gained weight, learned to relate to people better, learned to care, learned to process stress and emotions without using anorexia as a crutch.

Last Thanksgiving I went on a missions trip to Malaysia. Since then, I have seen incredible victories and freedom from my eating disorder. I went from being a sick, frail thing to a powerhouse athlete, competing in (and even winning!) 5K and 10K races. I completed my first triathlon. I climbed mountains again. I thought I was done with ED, and that it was done with me.

Until recently. The stress of the past few months at my still amazing but very demanding new job has gotten to me. I have found myself binging. I've gained weight -- more than I need. I feel devastated at this setback, at my failing. I feel broken. That is what this video's hoop dance is about -- my brokenness, but also the fragile hope that someday I will truly be whole.

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